A Republican-American couple is walking home from the grocery store with bags of food on Thanksgiving when they stroll past a homeless man (Tommy Hawk), who they assume to be a Mexican. The man (Jimmy) takes pity on him and pulls out a dollar to put in his cup, to which he gratefully says “thank you”. Walking on with a sense of well being, Jimmy says to his wife (Claire): “honey, I sure feel sorry for that fellow. Let’s be more generous this year. Let’s invite him over for thanksgiving dinner, clean him up and give him a nice meal”.

Claire: (gasps) whoa, that’s very considerate of you, but what if he’s a psychopath? or an axe murderer, or, or a Democrat? My Lord, he could even be a liberal…, what will mom say? And your dad?

Jimmy: Oh dear, you worry too much. I’m sure he’s just a guy down on his luck that could use a nice meal.

(Walking back to Tommy)

Jimmy: Hey Buddy, could you use a nice meal today?

Tommy: Uh sure man, that’d be nice. I haven’t eaten a good meal in long time.

Claire: Well, how about a shower and a change of clothes? (as she waves a stench away in disgust) Is that Aqua Velva and vomit I smell? (under her breath)

Tommy: Uh, sure, yeah a hot shower would be nice.

Jimmy: Well, my name is Jimmy. This is my wife Claire. We’re happy to meet you.

Tommy: I’m Tommy, Tommy Hawk. I appreciate your offer.

(Tommy joins them on their walk back to their house)

(After a shower and change Tommy joins everyone at the table for the meal)

Jimmy: Well, you look great in that old suit. We were going to give that to Goodwill. But hey, we just cut out the middleman!

Tommy: Thank you, it’s a little tight in the crotch, but maybe it’ll stretch out some.

Claire: (as she takes a drink of wine, she’s already a bit looped) Well, you look (and smell) a whole lot better!

Jimmy: So, how’d you end up homeless? Erh, uh, what do you normally do for thanksgiving?

Tommy: Well, my people don’t celebrate thanksgiving, I usually just get drunk and cry, or go fishing; it’s always so quiet and peaceful out on the lake this day, what with everyone eating and watching the game indoors…

Claire: Oh yeah honey, Mexicans don’t celebrate thanksgiving. It’s just an American holiday.

Tommy: Oh, I am not Mexican.

Jimmy: Oh, where are you from, Guatemala? Ecuador?

Tommy: I am American.

Jimmy: Really? From where? Why don’t you celebrate thanksgiving then?

Tommy: I am a true Native American, Comanche. We normally honor this day with a period of mourning. We don’t have much to be thankful for.

Claire: Well, that’s just plain not nice. You have much to be thankful for. Before we came to this country you were living in tents, walking around barefoot, shooting bows and arrows, and behaving like savages. Now you have free land, homes, (well, except for you I guess, I mean, your people) shoes, you have shoes, and casinos, fire-water and pick-up trucks.

Tommy: Uh, we would have preferred to live peacefully in nature, and not have been slaughtered and forced to live in some shithole reservation in a wasteland of a desert.

Jimmy: Hey, hey, let’s focus on today. We’re having a nice meal and enjoying each other’s company. SO let’s go around the table and say what we are thankful for. I’ll start. I’m thankful for new friends, family, my beautiful wife, nice home, a job and my shiny new BMW.

Jimmy’s Dad: I’m thankful for my health, for this nice dinner and the Cowboys are up by 10 points against the Redskins, oohps, sorry, no offense Timmy.

Tommy: None taken, I am a Cowboys fan myself.

Claire: Really? I would have pegged you for a Redskins fan.

Tommy: I was born in Texas, besides the Redskins are weak, they have no defense and their quarterback throws like a girl.

The Cowboys look like they could go all the way this year, if Jerry Jones gets the hell out of their way and let’s them, anyway. What happened to that guy anyway? He looks like a cross between a possessed muppet and the joker.

He could be on that Fox show, “when plastic surgery attacks”…

Claire: I’m thankful the pies turned out perfectly and that Jesus has blessed us with a bountiful feast and that America is the best nation in the world.

Mom: I’m thankful that we can all sit down together in peace and enjoy this feast, with our little Injun friend just like the good old times at Plymouth Rock.

Tommy: That’s a funny myth. The truth is that many “thanksgiving” dinners were held as a celebration after troops would massacre the “savage, heathen” indians tribes. The few indians that lived were usually sold as slaves. There were multiple ‘thanksgiving” dates that were celebrated to coincide with each “victory”; it was not until George Washington suggested that they consolidate them and pick one day to celebrate them all that this holiday was born. Later Lincoln decreed Thanksgiving to be a national holiday; coincidentally, the same day he gave orders for the military to march against the starving Sioux in Minnesota.

So, if we’re keeping with tradition–I’m curious–after dinner will I be killed or sold into slavery?

Claire: How dare you make such horrible accusations in my home! You are our guest, that is just horrible, and un-Christian like!

Tommy: Yes maam, the truth about history can be ugly. That is why your people embrace the myth.

Claire: You should be thankful for the good things we brought you.

Tommy: You mean, small pox laden blankets?

Claire: Your savage people raped and killed our women.

Tommy: Your people scalped our warriors and sold them in markets. You beheaded the friendly Chief of the Wampanoag, impaled his head on a pole and kept it on display for 24 years in Plymouth.

Claire: You shot flaming arrows into our covered wagons.

Tommy: You killed all of our buffalo.

Claire: You killed General Custer.

Tommy: He killed hundreds of our people. You killed Sitting Bull.

Claire: You killed those two FBI agents at Pine Ridge.

Tommy: You executed 300 women and children at Wounded Knee.

Claire: Uhhhm, You killed John Wayne.

Tommy: Uh, that was just a film, I’m pretty sure that he died from cancer.

You took all our land and made us live on horrible reservations in the desert and let us starve to death.

Claire; Horrible? I have been there, there are beautiful 4 star hotels and golf courses–and you don’t have to pay taxes and you get all that free land.

Anyway, You took all of our money with that rigged craps table at Casino Morongo and grossly overcharged us for a horrible steak dinner. Didn’t even give us free drinks while we played. And threw us to the curb when we couldn’t pay our hotel bill when we maxxed out our Visa.

Tommy: It’s not my fault that you have a gambling problem, just because you lose doesn’t mean the game is fixed.

Maybe you should think of the good things that our people have done for you. If it weren’t for Sacajawea, Louis and Clark would have never made it back alive. If it weren’t for Squanto, the pilgrims would have starved to death. If it weren’t for Pocahontas, John Smith would have been executed. And, If it weren’t for Tonto, the Lone Ranger would have died years ago, and never made it into syndication.

Claire: If it weren’t for us you’d be speaking German and eating sauerkraut…… Ooh, wait, no that’s the French. Uh, if it weren’t for us,,,,, you’d be…..

Tommy: (interrupts) Happy…

Jimmy: Stop it, both of you, this is out of control. None of US had anything to do with any of this. Let’s just enjoy a nice meal together…

Tommy: Yes, you are right, I guess we got out of control. Please excuse me, I am your guest. I am thankful that you have invited me into your home and that I am still alive after eating this wretched cranberry sauce. I must say, the can marks on the side are a nice touch.

Claire: Well, you sure are a choosy beggar; you are having no problems gobbling up that turkey.

Jimmy’s Dad: So Timmy, what’d you used to do before you were homeless.

Tommy: Sir, my name is Tommy, I was a contractor. I recently lost my home and everything when the market tanked as a result of the banking industry’s crooked dealings. My firm didn’t get paid for the jobs it did because the big companies that owed us filed for bankruptcy.

Claire’s Mom: Well, you sure are a handsome young buck, if you need a place to stay I could use a little help with some “things” around the house.

Claire: Mom! I can’t believe you said that, this man is a savage.

Claire’s Mom: Oooh, yes, he certainly is…. (batting her eyes and blushing)

Claire: Mom! I won’t have it!

Claire’s Mom: Shut up Claire, I’m YOUR mother, it’s not the other way around young lady. Besides, he seems like an honest, intelligent young man. Since dad ran off with the checker at the Piggly Wiggly I have been a little lonely. It might be nice to have a man around and he could use a break.

Jimmy’s Dad: Well, ya know I’m single Beatrice, I’d be happy to “help” you out if ya need.

Jimmy: Dad, that’s gross, then Claire would be my sister…

Jimmy’s Dad: Relax son, I never said anything about marriage…

Jimmy: DAD!!! Can we get through one meal without your twisted comments….

Jimmy’s Dad: Don’t you want your father to be happy?

Jimmy: Yeah, just not with my wife’s mother…

Jimmy’s Dad: Well, just because Mom ‘s gone, doesn’t mean I have to stop being a man.

Tommy: (Focused on the TV). Hey, Dallas just scored on 4th down.

Jimmy: Hell Yeah, this team could make it to the Superbowl.

Claire: Whatever, it’s football, who gives a hoot. Who wants more wine?

Jimmy’s Dad: Wow, looks like you finished that bottle all by yourself. What, are you looking for an excuse to open another bottle and not look like a lush?

Claire: Well, I’d need to drink another bottle just to get the image of you and my mother out of my mind. Eeeuuuugh.

Claire’s Mom: Claire, that’ll be enough of that. Besides, I have been drinking for years and still can’t erase the image of you and Jimmy defiling my kitchen table 10 years ago at Xmas when I walked in unexpected for a midnight snack. To this day I still cannot eat whip cream without gagging….

Tommy: Goodness, I think maybe I should go, this is all getting to be a little much around here.

Claire’s Mom: Oh Tommy, don’t be shy, all family’s have their dirt.

Tommy: This is more like mud, besides, I need to get back to the market so I can beg enough money so I can get a bus ticket to San Diego. I hear they are hiring a lot of people for a new project.

Claire’s Mom: Oh, won’t you consider my offer; I wasn’t just being nice you know?

Tommy: Well, thank you all the same but I really want to get back to work. I have been trying for weeks now but those damn immigrants keep undercutting me and taking all the jobs.

Jimmy: Yeah, I know what you mean, these damn illegal aliens are ruining this country, all of my tax money going for welfare to support their families, schooling and health care. My friend just lost his job and they replaced him with an illegal, they’re paying him cash under the table, and no benefits to save money.

Claire: Well, Tommy we’re not so far apart after all, WE can agree that immigrants are ruining America…

Tommy: Uh, what do you mean by “We”?

………

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